There’s a reason all those Classical Greek and Roman statues don’t have any arms, and it’s got nothing to do with time’s wear and tear. Limbs are an all-too-rare commodity in that world of swords, sandals, putative democracy and punitive violence. And, if you can’t tell from the thunderous sound of heaving man-jugs rumbling towards you in 3D, the 300 pre-sequel is slashing into cinemas this week to heave more hacked-off hands at your 3D glasses.
But with 300: Rise Of An Empire’s double-bladed Boadicea-of-the-boats Artemisia – played with lip-smacking relish by Eva Green – sailing away with the whole movie, we rate which of the Antiquity’s greatest badasses deserve to be celebrated in marble.
Of course, the epic era was a hot topic from the moment cameras started rolling – Ben-Hur first went in front of a lens in 1907 – but it took a while for Hollywood (hamstrung by those nasty censors) to really unleash some hell. Instead, trying to replicate the vast successes of DeMille’s biblical blockbusters, it was the Italian indies who swapped scale for splat, giving directors like Sergio Leone and Mario Bava early credits.
Of course, in order to flog the movie to the English speaking world, they brought in a bunch of beefy B-movie stars to headline the pics. This was why Gordon Scott, Reg Park and Richard Harrison spent most of the 1950s and ’60s rocking a sword, sandals and not much else.
But top of the togas was former Mr America, Steve Reeves. As his role as Philippides in The Giant Of Marathon (1959) proves, as he thwarts the invading Persian fleet virtually single-handed while wearing only a nappy, holding the line before Greek reinforcements turn up – with some suitably lurid touches courtesy of co-director Mario Bava.
Meanwhile, Hollywood stepped up for some Classical carnage with Chuck Heston’s set-jawline performance as Judah Ben-Hur in Ben-Hur (1959). Three years of hard galley work and a heart full of vengeful hatred – betrayed by his former friend – will forge a man as surely as the hammer does metal.
Of course, the former nobleman’s inner-steel flashes most brightly on the chariot field. The epic nine-minute centerpiece race is faster and more-furious than any Diesel-powered escapade, with the Chucker letting us ride shotgun.
It takes a mountain of pure granite to make Kirk Douglas look like a wimp, but Woody Strode – ex-WWII vet, pro-wrestler and pro-footballer – effortlessly bosses ol’ bum-chin as Draba in Spartacus (1960). Better yet, the gladiator-slave literally points Spartacus in the right direction, by suicidally sending his trident flying at his Roman masters – a trick later borrowed by Maximus in Gladiator – instead of perforating Spartacus’ throat.
Jason and the Argonauts (1963) also suggests that the foe maketh the hero. Jason certainly benefits from having to hack-and-slash at perhaps stop-motion supremo Ray Harryhausen’s greatest 100 minutes. On his way to fetching the Golden Fleece from the end of the world, Jason must face Talos, harpies, the Hydra and of course that astonishing skeleton army.
It was certainly the finest hour in actor Todd Armstrong’s sadly tragic career – he committed suicide at the age of 55. By the mid-60s the swords-and-sandals goldrush was barely turning up nickels. Hollywood hung up its toga and the Italians started mining for Spaghetti Westerns and Giallo flicks instead.
But it was another joint US-Italian venture though that was responsible for our next mean mutha. The infamous Caligula (1979) was the product of Gore Vidal’s script and Penthouse-founder Bob Guccione’s money, with the latter winning the culture-clash battle, bringing his starlets onto set after the day’s filming had officially ended to film the explicit sex scenes that he then weaved into the movie. Lars Von Trier was evidentially taking notes… probably one-handed.
Played by Malcolm McDowell, the film’s titular lead makes Joffrey Baratheon look like the model of humanity, restraint and sanity. The sister-shagging, horse-ennobling Caligula not only puts the bad into badass, but also most of the ass too. Indeed, at one point Rome’s emperor-god gives some poor guy – on his wedding night too – a violent bracket handling, effectively turning him into an elaborate hand puppet.
That film’s failure was par for the Classical course in the 70s, 80s and 90s. The vast Antiquity epics were too expensive to make while the exploitation market was dominated by fantasy, horror and nubile teen-flicks. The changing point was the arrival of CGI, allowing filmmakers to go big without having to pay for a million bored extras to fill the frame. Case in point was Ridley Scott’s Gladiator (2000), which spectacularly recreated the world – and particularly its enormous Colosseum fighting arena – of Ancient Rome. Were we not entertained? Damn right we were.
And at the centre of this was Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander, general, loyal servant, father, husband, revenge, blah, blah, blah… but if the Maximiser’s legendary spiel was 100% accurate, he’d also point out that he can effortlessly turn you into ornate device for storing his many, many swords. Note: this also applies to tigers. That’s tigers, people…
Meanwhile, Timotei-haired Brad Pitt spends half of Troy (2004) wandering around pulling that face, like he’s filled his jockeys but still can’t work out where the smell’s coming from. But we’re not going to say that to his face as his Achilles spends the rest of the time on a one-man hackathon – especially the patented feint-and-mid-air-tracheotomy routine - in his pursuit of immortality through timeless fame. Because he’s worth it.
The CGI-stakes were raised by Zack Snyder’s 300 (2006), with the actors often being the only real thing in the scene, and even some of those underwent some photoshop cosmetics. No such trickery was needed for Gerard Butler’s nicely-lunged Leonidas. As his band of 300 march towards the Spartan dream of a beautiful death, their king is front and centre of the phalanx, shouting in the face of Death, the Persians and everyone else too.
Of course, CGI doesn’t guarantee awesome Antiquities – just ask Immortals (2011). Likewise, in complete contrast to Haryhausen’s 1981 original, the shonky 3D of The Clash of the Titans (2010) remake was entirely eclipsed by its star. Alright, it might be sacrilege around these parts to favour Sam Worthington’s Perseus over Harry Hamlin’s, but honestly, who’d you rather have watching your back when the gods release the Kraken on you – the block of pure Aussie grit or the wispy dude with Princess Diana’s haircut?
Giving the 300 men a run for their money in both the slo-mo sword-waving and heaving pectorals stakes is the vengeful Artemisia in 300: Rise Of An Empire (2014). The former-slave-turned-nautical-nemesis doesn’t just lay fiery waste to the puny Greek fleet but steals the movie too.
This is mainly thanks to Eva Green laying on the ham thicker than a triple-storey pigsty made entirely out of pork. Whether it’s a limb-lopping double-sworded assault on the Greeks or aggressively tonguing a decapitated head, it’s all done with the joyous ecstasy of mayhem glinting in those big eyes.
In fact, the sword/sandals ensemble could well be this summer’s most essential fashion item. With the Kit ‘Jon Snow’ Harington-starrer Pompeii and Brett Ratner’s Hercules – with The Rock in the title role – also out this summer, there could well be a few more deserving subjects for the Classical badass marble treatment. We could even give our statues arms.
Except for Caligula, ’cos we know where those hands have been.
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